Proof that America sucks in 4 Images

American Military History

1775-1783 : American Revolution. American colonists want to smuggle stuff freely without paying any tax to their head of state, the King of England. After the Brits start correcting that silly behavior, the rebels run to France for help. France, never missing an opportunity to annoy their favorite enemy, and feeling bored, agrees to help and the French Navy and expeditionary corps save the americans’ bacon. Not that it made France any good since the huge hole in their budget started the much more bloody French revolution. Since then people around the world think this was the most stupid French decision ever, in a long list of them.

1775-1890 : the Indian Wars. The newly independant Americans decide they should pick a fight with an inferior enemy for a change, not a first rate power any more, thus starting the First Rule of American Warfare : bully minor players then brag about how macho they are. Anyway, even the vastly inferior techologically Indians will take a century of fighting and a genocide before yielding.

1798-1800 : not the least grateful for the French help in getting their independance, Americans take advantage of the fact that the British and French Navies square it off to capture some easy pickings in the Caribbean, thus starting the Second Rule of American Warfare : let the main combatants bleed themselves before moving in for easy victories, then brag about how macho they are.

1800-1815 : the Barbary Wars. Some fat American merchants complain about Arab pirates hampering their business. The US send a small naval force to display some fireworks outside the pirates’ homes. Then they turn tails and run home, letting everyone else deal with the mess. Thus started the Third Rule of American Warfare : when the voters complain about something, go fight some lousy Arabs and leave a whole mess afterwards, then brag about how macho they are.

1812-1815 : The War of 1812. Emboldened by those easy victories, the Americans think they can duke it out with a first rate power, Great Britain. The Brits kick some yankee ass and burn the White House, without breaking a sweat.

1846-1848 : the Mexican-American War. After the previous spanking, Americans wait 30 years before misbehaving again. This time, they want to steal their neighbors’ land, a seemingly easy task against the laughable Mexican Army. At first it seemed a victory, but a closer examination reveals the Mexicans weren’t stupid, just lazy : why fight for the lands when you can let the stupid Gringos develop them, then come back to breed and occupy them again ? Recent developments in the south-western states are confirming the trend, and the yankees are to frightened to fight back the peaceful latino invasion.

1861-1865 : the Civil War. The northern yankee industrialists need cheap labor and proceed to hide their greed behing humanitarian motives, that is “free the negroes” so they can labor in factories. This will become the Fourth Rule of American Warfare : when trying to steal another people’s riches, always pretend loudly it’s for their own good, then brag about how progressive they are.
Also, the American Civil War gifts the world with this shiny new thing, industrial warfare.

1898 : The Spanish-American War. Not feeling ballsy enough to take on a big european power, Americans attack the weakest european country, Spain, exhausted after a century of internal strife ; faithfully following the First Rule of American Warfare.

1899-1902 : US-Philippines War. Mighty mighty Philippines. Need we say more. See again First Rule.

1909-1933 : The Banana Wars. American big business again fighting to improve other people’s lives. NOT.
Actually gringo imperialism to force the Latins to grow bananas for American commercial interests.

1917-1918 (for America) : World War I. Applying the Second Rule of American Warfare, the US wait until the main European combatants are exhausted then move in for easy victories. At the end of the war, airhead president Wilson believes he can redraw the maps of Europe for the good of everyone involved (this will lead to WWII) but the American congress doesn’t even bother to participate in the Wilson-inspired Société Des Nations. Meanwhile, New-York bankers have enthusiastically supported the Bolshevik coup in Russia. High placed players in America realize war and destruction in Europe are in their interest, should it happen again.

1941-1945 (for America) : World War II. Perfectly safe from invasion behind two oceans, America first sells weapons to Britain, then lets the Japs give them a pretext to enter the war. While British, Russian and Free French armies battle the German super-soldier Ubermenschen, America feels much more safe bombing the whole Western Europe from 5 miles high, not bothering to tell a church or an hospital from a factory or a barracks. Only when millions of dead Russian soldiers have weakened the German army enough, does America dare to invade the European mainland, officially to free it for the benefit of American corporations. And while Europe was supposed to be liberated from nazi oppression, weak-willed president Roosevelt hands the eastern half to humanitarian uncle Joe (including poor Poland whose invasion by germany and USSR provoked the war in the first place). Although possession of the nuke (thanks to European scientists) guaranteed the Soviets could have done nothing to prevent the true liberation of Eastern Europe, the Americans were too eager to go back watch movies and eat ice-cream.

1945-1991 : the Cold War. A war won by producing more pizzas than the adversary.

1950-1953 : the Korean War : a coalition keeps the Americans fighting against north Korean communist invaders. As usual when the going gets tough, Americans chicken out and don’t push further. 50 years later the North Korean dictators are still very much there.

1956-1975 : Vietnam War. When the impoverished (by WW2) French got fed up with a jungle-covered hellhole, Americans snickered and welcomed “the end of French imperialism”. Realizing the new “free Indochinese” were actually communists, Americans got scared and resumed their habit of bombing everything from high above. Finally, pizza-eating surrender monkeys on US campuses forced the pot-smoking US Army to withdraw from Vietnam, leaving its prisoners to rot in commie reeducation camps.

1980 : Iranian Hostage Crisis. Ayatollah Khomeiny, until then hailed as a great progressive leader by Western liberals, turns against his stupid foreign backers. Iranian fanatics take the American embassy hostage. A liberation attempt by “elite” US soldiers ends up in a monumental fiasco.

1983 : Invasion of Grenada. The locals weren’t willing to be american vassals any more and expressed it. In response, the US invaded the tiny island. See First Rule.

1989 : invasion of Panama. See above.

1991 : the Gulf War. Third Rule of American Warfare at work. Additionally, the sudden end of the Cold War left American armies in urgent need of a super-villain to justify their cost. Ira was a perfect target : weak though big enough that American propaganda outlets could claim it was really a very dangerous opponent.
After the end of the war, Saddam Hussein was still very much alive.

1991-2003 : the “No-Fly Zone” War. While the embargo on Irak left Iraqi children to starve and Saddam Hussein to fatten, Americans got to satisfy their habit of bravely dropping bombs from high above (and kept American business happy).

1992-1994 : American Intervention in Somalia. First Americans got to stage D-Day all over again with the added bonus of CNN crews to welcom them on the beach. Then they failed to improve the situation whatsoever and ran at the first sign of trouble. The two bravest Americans alive, Gordon and Shugart, ended up dead in a dusty street.

1999 : the Kosovo War. The Serbs weren’t willing enough to leave their historical heartland to muslim albanian invaders. Righteous Americans thought it was a good opportunity to bomb some stuff in Europe again and started a propaganda campaign to convince the world of a non-existent genocide, then proceeded to destroy countless historical sites and lay waste to the Danube river.
Today the albanians are conducting ethnic cleansing on Kosovo Serbs and us their position to deal in every possible sort of illegal trafficking.

2001-? : War in Afghanistan. After a bunch of lousy Arab fanatics managed to use planes effectively to bomb stuff up, America got to run around like a headless chicken. While the terrorists were Saudis, it wouldn’t do to attack the biggest buyer of American weapons. The US did the next best thing, bombing the loony talebans from planes while other Afghanis did the real fighting on the ground. Needless to say the place is now a mess.

2003-? : War in Iraq. In a rare display of sense, the American president decides to finish the job started 10 years earlier. Unfortunately, he gives such stupid pretexts that its former coalition allies tell him to go play with himself. Furious at the display of independance, America throws a tantrum and starts eating freedom fries, while making a big thing of beating the pitiful remains of the Iraqi Army. Oh, did we mention oil ? See Fourth Rule of American Warfare.
Iraq is now officially a Democracy (with a big capital D) and Iraqis can now die democratically in the mess that is Democratic Iraq.