Asdfhj.com

Q: What is George W. Bush’s position on Roe v. Wade?

A: He really doesn’t care how people get out of New Orleans. HURRRRRR

I had a bit of an epiphany this weekend about the high gas prices we’ve been seeing lately. You see, I am one of those people who drive a sexy, sexy Oldsmobile. Unfortunately for my financial well being, that car is not very gas efficient, nearing SUV levels of waste.

The realization came upon me that if I set my cruise control down at 60mph, my gas mileage will increase. This greatly appeals to the cheapskate in me. It’s also refreshing not to be constantly scanning the horizon for speed traps and to actually enjoy the scenery along the drive. I found the whole experience to be much more relaxing, with a single exception: I was not prepared for is how angry this makes people.

I should take a moment to clarify that I’m not sitting in the fast lane, turn signal blinking and completely oblivious to everyone around me like some old maid on her way to her weekly bridge game. I am driving defensively and courteously in the right-hand lane, just at 10 mph below the speed limit.

Quite honestly, I think this makes people want to murder me. I’m wondering what is so important on a Sunday afternoon that all traffic must travel beyond the speed limit and pose no obstructions to you. What counterpoint can possibly be offered to my driving below the speed limit in the slow lane? I really must need this clarified for me before my slow-traffic shenanigans cause someone to physically assault me with a tire iron. Then again, I’ll get my fifteen minutes of fame as a road rage victim. That might be worth needing to learn how to walk again.

I have domain, www.barsnapper.com, listed for sale on godaddy auctions. After some communication, it turns out that he just wants me to try his domain selling service or something. I told him to fuck off. Here is the email I got this morning:

Hello,

I’m interested in your domain name listed for sale.

Can you drop me your desired price?

If I can afford it I’ll reply.

By the way, did you receive offers from other buyers?

I run a software development company. Selling & buying names is not my main business. Just another way to invest money and make additional income.

Please keep our correspondence confidential.

Best regards,

Robin K. Henson

Ph. D. President

TST Solutions

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PROOF that George Bush hates Black people!
(open this in IE)

Its time for someone to lead
all of America’s Niggas.

And by that I mean…

the young, the black, the brown, women, the poor,
all of America’s Niggas.

And by that I mean…

If we can put the Nigga vote together.
we can bring about great change in this country.

If we can put the Nigga vote together.
we can bring about great change in this country.

Since “Retardedness” is my only category so far, I figured I’d add to it. This Jesus Christ Retardedness certainly fits the bill.

I really want that domain though. I’m offering the guy 200 dollars for it. This douche probably wouldn’t sell it for a million though. “No amount of money can come between me and my god!”

Here are some real gems:

Don’t believe in a false god. Don’t believe that there is NO god. Reject the degrading ‘theory of evolution’ ($250,000 prize if anyone can prove it). ‘Wet dirt’ NEVER turned into a flamingo by accident! It is a cruel, God rejecting, easily disproved lie. God designed you. Jesus Christ came to save us from our sins.

OMG so degrading! What am I to do??? God dammit I hate creationism.

Getting told by anyone to “please calm down” is pretty funny when you think about it. You really have to fly off the handle to get these simple words uttered from someone now-a-days.

Last night, I was kicked out of a McDonalds drive thru and was told to come back after I have calmed down.

3:00 AM on the dot, driving back from a 6 hour drinking binge in Holt, MI. Get off the highway and pull in to McDonalds. I come around the turn for the drive through, pull up to the menu board, and only then notice that the speaker-box thing you order through is about 2 meters behind my car. What the fuck? Another car is now behind me, so I can’t really back up… So I just pull up to window number one.

Round 1 - Window 1
A very African, very bald person is leaning out of the window jabbing his finger into the air motioning for me to go back. I pull up to his window and he tells me “you need ta orda’ back tha’” I look at him for a few seconds to make sure he’s serious, and then politely and calmly explain to him the retardedness of that. He disagrees. He says I need to go back and order through the box, even though he is the person I would be talking to. I look at him for another few seconds, throw my arms up and pull up to the 2nd window.

Round 1 - Window 2
A 16 year old kid with black spiky hair with a friendly smile speaking the King’s English greets me. For a second, I feel relieved that I am going to get the quarter pounder and fries that I hungered for. Until I saw the douchebag from Window 1 come running up to window 2! He tells me that I need to go back to the menu sign to order again. At this point, I tell him that this is ‘fucking retarded’ and ‘I can’t believe you’re serious’ and things like that. It ends in him telling me that I needed to leave right NOW and come back after I’ve calmed down. Awesome.

Round 2 - Menu Speaker-box thing
I gave myself about 4 seconds to calm down as I drove around the building and back to the menu order station. I sit there for a good 2 minutes without anything happening. No voice, and the LCD screen was black. WTF. I once again pull up.

Round 2 - Window 1
Douchebag is leaning out of the window looking at me and asks me if I’ve calmed down. I tell him I have and he takes my order. At this point he tells me that they are doing breakfast now. Its 3:07, and they are serving breakfast? Again, what the fuck? So, finally I just order a breakfast sandwich and hashbrowns and he tells me to pull up.

Round 2 - Window 2
The black spiky hair kid quickly hands me a large orange drink (which I didn’t order, but looked really good!) and a bag of food and said thanks, and I drove off. I have paid no money at this point. I stop at the first traffic light, and look in my bag. No hash brows, and a McGriddle. I hate McGriddles. They make me McShitMyPants.

I considered my options… go back home and eat my free McGriddle and drink my free large orange drink, or go back and really let em have it.

Round 3
I race directly up to the 2nd window and the white kid looked at me and laughed. I handed him the bag, and he handed me my bag of food. He asked if I wanted to keep the drink and I said yes, didn’t pay him, and continued my drunken drive home, all while trying to eat my free hash
brown.